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5th-Grade Teacher Can Already Tell Kids About To Go Crazy For Ending Of ‘The Giver’ 3/28/18 8:41am CASPER, WY—Saying she could hardly wait to see the looks on their faces as they finish the last few pages
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  5th-Grade Teacher Can Already Tell Kids  About To Go Crazy For Ending Of ‘The Giver’   3/28/18 8:41am CASPER, WY  — Saying she could hardly wait to see the looks on their faces as they finish the last few pages, fifth-grade teacher Melissa Botzki told reporters  Wednesday she can already tell the kids in her class are about to go crazy over the ending of Lois Lowry’s   The Giver . “They have no idea  what’s coming, and when it finally happens, they’re going to go nuts,” said Botzki,  who observed that the students had been lulled into a false sense of security by the 1994 Newbery Award winner and revealed that she looked forward to seeing their preconceptions shatter before their naïve little eyes as they read the final pages. “I wouldn’t be surprised if I had to spend the rest of class discussing the author’s intent or devote an entire day to a heated debate about t he meaning  behind the book’s ending. Judging by how complacent they are right now, when they finally reach the end of that last chapter, th ey’ll absolutely lose their minds.” In related news, schoolyard sources report that none of Botzski’s pupils had done  the required reading.   Doll Real Estate Agent Glosses Over Giant Hinged Opening In Middle Of House   3/16/18 8:24am GULFPORT, MS —  Assuring the prospective buyers that they couldn’t find this kind of charm in newer  builds, a local doll realtor reportedly glossed over the giant hinged opening in the middle of the house Thursday during a tour. “Yes, some of the design features are a bit unique, but don’t forget that with this property, you’re also getting painted -on countertops, hard plastic floors, and brand-new all- pink appliances,” said the realtor, highlighting the airy four square feet of living space while quickly ushering the couple past the floor-to-ceiling  joint that split the house into two wall- less halves. “While   there aren’t any locks on the doors and the windows are just holes, it’s a very safe neighborhood and the Fisher -Price police station is just down the street. Plus, it has a two-car garage for your Jeep and convertible, which I know was a must-have. So le t’s head outside to check out the empty pool.” At press time, the homeowners were regretting their purchase after a giant hand ransacked their bedroom and tossed the couple onto the carpeted front yard.  Study: U.S. Wastes 2 Million Hours Annually Figuring Out Where Tape Roll Starts   6/29/15 9:34am BLOOMINGTON, IN —  A new study published Friday by researchers at Indiana University revealed that U.S. citizens waste approximately 2 million hours annually trying to figure out where a roll of tape starts. “According to our dat a, thousands of hours are squandered each day by  Americans running their fingers along the outside of a roll of tape until they stumble upon the frayed edge where the tape begins,” said the study’s co-author Bethany Cohen, who noted that the amount of time Americans fritter away bringing the roll of tape up close to their face and slowly tracing their fingertips around its perimeter accounts for nearly $15 billion annually in lost productivity. “Furthermore, we discovered that when Americans eventually find   where the tape starts, they waste an additional 4 million hours per year meticulously picking at the tape with a fingernail until they have a large enough tab to peel back the adhesive material.” The study also found that $700 million  worth of tape is lost annually when a useless, narrow part of the piece sticks to the roll and accumulates around the edge. Report: Video Games Will Never Be Art   2/06/18 6:53pm   ‘They Are Little Diversions That Children Play,’ Experts Say    NEW YORK  — Having concluded they are at best nice little distractions suitable for children and adolescents, researchers at Columbia University released a report Tuesday confirming video games will never reach the level of art. “Our findings show that  video games can be a fun activity, especially for children 14 and younger, but they are no more than trivial pastimes and certainly not to be compared with serious artistic endeavors such as literature and music,” said Professor Clarence Wadleigh, stressing that developers of more serious games like The Witness  or That Dragon, Cancer  should abandon their futile attempts to create art if they ever  want to make something that’s actually fun to play. “Based on our research, we must recommend that game designers who fancy themselves as artists come to terms with the fact that their work will never serve as anything more than light entertainment for young people. If they attempt anything more ambitious, then frankly, they’re only going to embarrass themselves.” Citing its nonlinear structure and “super fun puzzles,” Lantz added that the video game that came closest to reaching the level of art was definitely  Banjo-Kazooie .  Justin Timberlake Pulling Panicked All-Nighter  After Realizing New Album Due Tomorrow    2/01/18 4:34pm MINNEAPOLIS — Pacing anxiously  between a piano and drum machine, pausing only to scrawl down hasty notes or blow into a recorder, elder pop statesman Justin Timberlake reportedly pulled a panicked all-nighter Thursday after realizing his fifth studio album,  Man Of The Woods , was due the next morning. “I knocked out a single a few weeks ago, I threw together a trailer video, but I still have 15 songs to write by morning,” said the 37-year-old former boy-band star and current one-man hit factory while frantically flipping through old notebooks for inspiration. “Okay, I’ve been here  before, I got this… Blue -eyed soul, maybe something that sounds country for the  Wal- Mart crowd… Does ‘Man with a plan’ rhyme with ‘Livin’ off the land?’ Too late, it does now… Oh, oh, oh! I should call Alicia [Keys]. She’s always down for a last- minute cram duet.” As of press time, critics were calling the bleary  -eyed Timberlake’s latest  effort a timeless collection of scintillating pop standards. Red Lobster Criticized For Decimating Biscuit Populations Along Cheddar Bay    10/20/17 12:01pm CHEDDAR BAY, ME —  Warning that local stocks had been depleted to dangerous levels, environmentalists criticized Red Lobster on Wednesday for its part in decimating biscuit populations along Cheddar Bay. “It’s no coincidence that the biscuit population has dropped an alarming 84 percent since Red Lobster was founded in 1968,” said Roger Gross, researcher at the Marine & Environmental Research Institute, adding that the rate at which Red Lobster has been harvesting biscuits from the bay was unsustainable, causing them to shrink precipitously not only in number but also in size. “Most biscuits will be gone in   a decade, and the ones that remain won’t be anything we’d recognize as golden -  brown or flaky. And this doesn’t even factor in the massive economic cost to Cheddar Bay, whose restaurants had been responsibly trawling for biscuits for generations before Red Lobster’s massive fleet arrived.” Gross went on to say that a moratorium was the only solution until the biscuit populations were fully replenished, urging Red Lobster to temporarily double up on far more plentiful hush puppies.
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